We arrive in Seaside at the hospital for a colonoscopy for Don. The prep for this procedure was a 4-day nightmare. Upon check-in, Don tells a nurse he moved to the coast 3-4 months ago, but was born in Seaside over 70 years ago. Nurse says “Welcome Back”. Where the hell did that come from? Not true.
The entire surgical unit heard the gasps from 2 nurses who got told by Don he last drank water an hour prior. They looked panicked at me. I assure them we have been in the car during the last hour just to get here. Then we had a blowout in the restroom upon arrival and everything is now wet. Nice job! Nursing staff asks what do you mean wet? No need for much imagination on that subject.
Don: What’s the temp?
Nurse: For you or the room”?
Don: Both.
What a brat! Message received loud and clear that it’s cold in the surgical prep area. It is winter.
Don: Take my socks off. Something bothering me.
I look under the covers and I see his legs are crossed at the ankle. Those legs are on auto pilot just like Hunter with a crisscross scissor position.
Kristy: Maybe you should lay your legs out flat like the rest of your body?
Don: I need another blanket.
That makes 3 in 45 minutes. He then asks Nurse Selina for a beer and to take him to the bathroom after he’s all hooked up for the procedure room.
He didn’t walk in to the hospital and he sure as hell won’t walk out of the hospital, but he’s standing erect for the potty shuffle with his hand on Nurse Selina’s butt. You know, for extra support. I’m still huffing and puffing from pushing his 187 pounds of dead weight uphill to the hospital entry in a wheelchair. Why did I not drop him off at the entrance and then go park? Because he told me there was no need. Wrong.
Don: Feel my blanket to see if it’s warm enough.
Kristy: Don, this cold that you are feeling is exactly how it was at Providence St. Vincent’s. We were freezing, and you complained of being overly warm. What gives today?
Don: Well it was a warm weekend.
Kristy: Weekend? You were in the hospital for months. We were in the same room with you, not outdoors.
We receive discharge papers and talk to the doctor one last time. The report was there is absolutely nothing to worry about. No polyps. Nothing. Doctor told us they do not recommend colonoscopies after age 75 so Don is done with this procedure for the rest of his life. Doctor advised Don can eat anything he wants but no alcohol for 24 hours. Don then asks a nurse to throw his wet clothing in the hospital blanket warmer, and she did it.
It took a while for us to get to the car because Don was a little loopy. We no more than leave the hospital and hit the highway home when Don requests we stop by the liquor store so he can have a “splash” of a drink.
Kristy: I still have one functioning hearing aid, dude. Nice try.
Note to Self: The procedure for colonoscopies has improved by leaps and bounds since my first one 35 years ago. My Mom drove me for that first encounter and I was so nauseous from the prep. The last thing I remember before passing out was that the tools and instruments on the wall looked liked something that should be in a veterinary office for horses. Surely, those are not for me. Are we sure we got the right doctor’s office? Mom?
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