Today is one of those days where physical, emotional and mental health are compromised for me.
We are all familiar with the stages of grief and recovery from a tragic or life changing loss. Death and divorce always at the top of that list. We can also add loss of a home or business from severe weather or fire, COVID fallout, and career-ending injuries in professional sports. Let’s not forget mass shootings, bombs, terrorist destruction and war. So many tragic events worthy of mention and it seems the list gets longer as I get older.
For me, today, it’s impossible to let go, move on or grieve because the loss is still shuffling from room to room in the house, looking for fishing gear he will never use again. Delusions and hallucinations have unfolded every day. Lack of ability to communicate is frustrating for both of us. I’m one step away from profound deafness and he can’t find the right words. Every task to eat, bathe, and dress is met with resistance and defiance. He is constantly in search of the way home when he’s sitting in his own living room. Day in and day out of the same confusing and laborious routine has taken a toll. We are stuck in a state of the unknown that takes a strength I don’t have today.
I’m lucky just to maintain the routine needed to prevent Don from burning down or flooding the house from the inside or eliminate the possibility of continuing an Airbnb business due to his unprofessional behavior. Unprofessional behavior like appearing in guest bedrooms at night, without invitation, or using up all the hot water because he forgot to turn off the water faucet in his bathroom or kitchen. Those are deal breakers for returning guests. The loss of his physical ability to maintain the premises in an appealing appearance is an overwhelming burden for me. He has lost his ability to care for himself, cook, drive, work, travel or engage in his favorite outdoor activities. He refuses physical therapy and can barely walk around the block on any day with a decent weather forecast. There’s been maybe 3 such days since Thanksgiving. Since he is unable to assist with even his own care, then I have to do everything or it isn’t getting done. Friends, family and neighbors have stepped up when they are available. The need, however, is often daily or weekly.
The partial losses of a husband, a business, ability to communicate, and comfort are just that, partial and ongoing. No closure, no grieving, regrouping, and moving on or rebuilding. Just stuck on rewind in a hopeless cycle.
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