Levi Jeans

Saturday morning means college football. I find Don half-in and half-out of bed. He has removed his pajamas and underwear and found a pair of Levi jeans to replace both. No underwear. He appears to be agitated. 

Kristy: Now, you know, old man, you can’t wear those Levi jeans because you cannot zip, unzip, button and unbutton when needed. Commando days are gone as well. Where’s your underwear?

Don: In the garbage. 

Kristy: It’s shower time, anyway, so let’s go. Scrub your fingernails and toes with the brush. Wash your hair and brush your teeth. 

I leave to start the coffee. I return to find him finished in no time. His head and shoulders are dry. That’s unusual. I know he can’t bend over in that shower stall to brush and wash his feet without getting more body parts wet. He sits on his shower stool and bends over, but I guess not today. 

Kristy: Did you brush your teeth?

Don: Yes. 

Kristy: Did you scrub your fingernails?

Don: Yes. 

Kristy: Did you wash your hair?

Don: No. 

Kristy: Did you scrub your feet?

Don: They look clean. (Translation: No)

It is a good day when we accomplish 50% of the shower chores. We get him dried up, and he lingers in front of the heater. The hardest hurdle for shower day is it’s too cold. Some days he just refuses. 

Kristy: I will get your underwear, shirt, and sweatshirt. If you want to wear those Levi jeans, then you need to get them on by yourself and zip, unzip, button and unbutton by yourself. Otherwise, they are going to repeatedly fall down.

He is determined to wear the jeans, like a 6-year-old boy who won’t take off the Superman cape or Spider-man pajamas. While he starts the daunting task of getting his pants on, I pick up remnants of what was on his bed last night. It’s a single hospital bed, and pillows, sheet, and blankets are strewn everywhere. 

Kristy: How does this bed go from you being tucked in at night to this big mess in the morning?

Don: You should know. You were right down there with it. 

OK, so, let me get this straight. I have gone from spouse to a paid home health aide to a house-elf that sleeps on the floor? I guess some people could consider that progress in the sequencing department of rehab. That explains how he was successful in getting the pants on earlier. He had help from some imaginary source. Let’s see how successful he is with a zipper. Superman, Spider-Man, and Batman all keep their pants on, man.

Note to Self: Good Luck, Zipperman.